Not My Witch
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: So. New Hellboy movie. Apparently that's a thing. Is it wrong that I felt bad for a certain someone? No? Just a little? What? Why are you looking at me like that? I know what I'm doing! After all, she's may not be My Witch but when has that stopped me before? Part of the Not Going Home Series. NarutoxNimue. Oneshot. References to the new Hellboy movie...and plenty of jabs.


**A/N: WARNING~!**

**The following story is humor and not meant to be taken seriously. Furthermore, the author's note below is merely my opinion. Sorry if it upsets anyone, but there you are.**

**"Never stop writing. Don't give up on the dream~!"**

**Thanks to the person who gave me this review. ****Because someone had to say it and someone did.**

**So I saw the new Hellboy...**

**...yeah. That was a thing I did this weekend.**

**Can I level with you guys? I preferred the original two movies with Ron Perlman. What can I say? This old dog prefers them. I simply couldn't bring myself to enjoy this reboot; for all its attempts to stick to the graphic novels it felt...flat. Not to mention David Harbour as Hellboy...why why _WHY_ did he have to act like that?! One moment you're happy, the next you're sad, then you're whiny, then you're mad. Make up your damn mind! Pick an emotion and stick with it!**

**And the shouting, always the shouting! Bah!**

**Ron Perlman didn't need to shout to make himself heard, but this guy...I just don't know. I didn't hate him but I couldn't bring myself to like him either. ****The movie itself felt rushed and all over the place, trying to cram everything into two hours, and needless to say the pacing suffered for it. **

**Of course, it also had its good points as well. It was quite witty at some points, and I rather enjoyed Alice's interactions with Hellboy. **

**Not to mention Ian McShane. I'll see anything with him in it.**

**That said HOLY HELL Nimue got a major popularity boost because of the recent movie. Her acting was steady, at least. Mila Jovovich actually made he care about the character. Its a dark day indeed when I actually want the villain to win. And I hardly ever root for the villains at that!**

**Naturally I got to thinking...**

**Yes, this is a oneshot, if only to prove a point.**

**As ever, I own no quotes, references, or anything else.**

_"Should've quit while you were-_

_"DON'T YOU DARE!"_

_~?_

**Off With Her Head**

_Dear journal,_

_So._

_Hellboy._

_That's a thing._

_Bought some popcorn, saw the new movie, stuck around after credits, and...well...hmm. How does a god put it delicately? __Oh. __Wait. I don't. __I'm a muck-fothering god. I stopped caring what others thought of me after the first century. __Whomever you are if, you've stuck around this long, then you'll know how I feel about this movie. Let's summarize it in three words, shall we?_

_WRONG WRONG WRONG!_

_Frankly, I think Del Toro did it better. And I wasn't even AWARE of him until recently! Two fine movies there! Now there's a world I'd be happy to invade...but...nah. Not yet. No, I think I'll let the happy couple be this time around. Unlike the whiny little braggart of 2019 I'm certain"THAT" Hellboy would beat me within an inch of my life if I pissed him off. Assuming Liz didn't scorch me first._

_Still waiting on that sequel, bub! Chop chop!_

_Now before you break out the torches and pitchforks, there were aspects of this movie that I actually liked! Its a decent bit of bloody horror fare, but I really only felt empathy for three characters toward the end. Alice, for one. Cute kid. Good head on her shoulders. Doesn't need any help from me. Neither does THIS Hellboy for that matter; though lets face it, even if he did, I wouldn't be all that inclined to give it. Not terribly invested in his future either, once all's said and done. As to the third..._

_...well._

_We'll come to her in a moment._

_Yes, you might even go so far as to say that **this** world doesn't need my help...it has its own defenders and very little to interest me otherwise. So grim! So dark! Where's the fun to be had, I ask you?! Where's the chaos? The carousing! Hardly the sort to interest me! __Take a certain which for instance. What was her name again...aha! Nimue! Yes, that's the one. Nasty fate she suffered. Drawn and quartered, put back together, only to be cast into the very fires of hell? Granted, she's a right cruel witch, but even so..._

_...is it wrong that I felt bad for her? Just a little?_

_What?! Why are you looking at me like that?! I know what I'm doing!_

_After all, she's may not be My Witch but when has that stopped me before?_

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

Darkness.

It was all Nimue saw, all she heard, all she knew.

She despised every living moment of that everlasting shadow.

There was no sound here within the box, no sight, only miserable existence. Oh she was certainly _aware_ of her situation yet she could not open her eyes. Nor could she hope to speak. It was precisely the sort of wretched existential crisis that the Blood Queen loathed, yet she found herself powerless to extricate herself from it. On better days she sometimes slumbered, but even these were few and far between indeed; brief flickers of relief interposed over a miserable plane of being.

How long had she been trapped in this box?

How long since she'd sworn revenge on her enemies?

How long ago when she was drawn and quartered-her body scattered and tattered-by her enemies?

Surely an age must have passed by now, but she still felt the sting of Excalibur-her severed head would attest to that most strongly!-as though it were yesterday Her foes had lain waste to her kingdom and divided it up amongst themselves. Her power was lost, her body broken. With no means to take it back by herself thanks to this blasted box, she could only await the inevitable. Be it death or freedom, she swore to find her release, one way or another. What did she have left to her but that? _What did she have left but vengeance?_

Thus it came as something of a surprise when she _heard _something.

"Rise and shine~!"

It was to these less-than-noble words that Nimue found her freedom.

All at once the iron bindings of her box broke. Blessed iron flew apart as though it had taken wing, ancient wood turning upon itself, bringing with it the startling brilliance of daylight._ Light._ It seared through her eyelids like unholy fire; despite her best efforts she cried out and opened her eyes. She immediately lived to regret it. _It burned!_ After so many days dwelt in dark the light wasn't merely overwhelming but_ blinding._ As such, she immediately squeezed them shut and thought to cruse, but her savior only grasped her by the hair and gently turned her away.

"Sorry about that," the rough voice of her rescuer-or was he her captor?-drawled smoothly. "Give it a second."

Sure enough the blinding light faded in time, and she dared open her eyes gain.

Aghast, she realized she was being held by her hair.

Taking a moment, she beheld her rescuer.

He had spirit, if nothing else.

Bright blue eyes crinkled in a smile back at her, framed by whiskered cheeks and a mop of shaggy blond hair. Were those horns jutting out of that flaxen mess? They _were!_ Fascinating. Whomever this one was he clearly wasn't human. But neither could he be called a beast. Even in her diminished state she sensed something off...about him. Not simply his flowing robes of red and white and gold, but his very being. Here was a creature of unparalleled power, not some weak mortal man seeking _hers._

For a fleeting moment Nimue's cold heart-such as it was-warmed and she felt relief.

But he was looking at her now, awaiting her response.

"I...thank you, noble warrior." she coughed softly, voice croaking from years of silence. "For my freedom. What boon might I grant-

_"Ha!"_

The laughter surprised Nimue.

It came sharp and sudden like a flock of crows; a dark peal of exultant glee that nearly caused her captor to drop her outright. It was the sound of a man who cared nothing for man nor madness, only the amusement brought him by the latter. Full lips pursed into a thin frown as he continued to chuckle unabated over her words. When he finally pulled himself back together, those azure orbs shone with a decidedly impish gleam, an almost otherworldly glow.

"Nothing noble about me, sweetheart!"

Belatedly the Blood Queen realized this was not her prison.

Indeed, this was not a crypt but a room; filled with strange furnishings she failed to recognize. They were bright. Almost hideously so. All red and black and blue all over.

...who are you?"

"No one important." her rescuer demurred softly. "If its names you're on about then...Naruto." A small, sunny smile plucked at his whiskered visage as he considered the name. "Yes, that'll do. Still fond of that one even after all these years. Not that you'd know it. Well you did, buuuuuuuuut...

"I don't understand." the witch wrinkled her nose in quiet confusion.

In response, he placed her severed head on a nearby table.

"Basically...multiverse theory's a bitch." the whiskered warrior hummed, sitting cross-legged beside her. "Lets say you-or well, another version of you-met a chap named Hellboy and a version of myself. You tried to woo one of them of course, because that's something you do in a heartbeat. Didn't work out so well this time. You fought. You lost. You died. End of story. Until the sequel. Assuming there _is _one considering how badly your movie failed. Not that its any of your fault of course. You're a creature of your master's making after all. Me?" he tilted his head, regarding her anew. "I believe in second chances. Thought I'd give you one before I collected the rest of you."

A chance?

What was this madman on about? He wasn't making any sense!

"And this Hellboy of whom you speak...do you owe him your allegiance?"

"This one?" Naruto promptly turned his head and spat. "Nah. Fuck 'em. Not interested. You on the other hand...

Nimue nearly refused him outright; the idea of abasing herself before another, however temporarily, proved nearly galling. She was powerful. Immortal. Eternal. The very notion that she might actually be _defeated _proved nigh on anathema to her. Still, for the sake of conversation-and because she hadn't had a conversation with someone other than herself in centuries-the witch stilled her temper.

"What would you have of me?"

"Simple." the blond steepled his fingers and leaned low across the table. "I'm going to ask you three questions. If I like what I hear, you get your body back and then some. If I don't...

A stray scarlet spark shivered through his eyes.

...you'll wish I put you back in the box. Speaking of which...

Nimue realized precisely what he was about to say and absolutely_ hissed._

"Don't you dare."

Naruto grinned cheekily.

"You really should've quit while you were a-head."

Despite her best efforts, the witched felt her right eye twitch. "I hate you so much right now."

"Darling, don't I know it!"

**A/N: And there we go. Just a quick little something to tide ya'll over. Nimue's now trapped with someone even more powerful than her; a being that won't be bent to her whims. Someone, who, by his own admission, is likely going to drive her stark raving mad.**

**Will this make her a better person? Will it make her worse? Or will it simply drive her insane?**

**Who knows? Now if you'll excuse me, Endgame is calling my name...**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review Would You Kindly?**

**Peace out~!**


End file.
